I am trying out 2 dating apps and will be updating my experiences. Stay tuned! If you have any free ones you think I should try let me know. So far I am testing out Skout and ChristianDating.
I’ve come to realize that there is a disconnect between what I feel and what reality says. Emotions tell me I have been abandoned and forgotten, reality tells me otherwise.
I think I’ll choose reality.
I’ve been feeling like I’ve hit a barrier in my job search so far. I’ve got resume that has been retooled and redesigned by a friend who is HR for a small consulting firm, I’ve expanded and been in touch with my networks, and I’ve now put out 21 applications..and I feel like a bloody failure.
I know it’s a tough economy, and unemployment is high, and if you don’t have your Master’s people think you’re some idiot even if you’ve got more experience and done more work then the guy with the Masters who will hopefully hire you. I GET IT.. really I do.
Right now I want to be somewhere else, doing something else, enjoying someone else. I do not want to be stagnant, and just sitting here. NY, DC, Nairobi, South Africa.. Raleigh.. any of them would be better then where I am now.. waiting to hear back on things. Peace Corps was great, and I’ve been told it “looks great on your resume”, however this has translated in into ZILCH in terms of attention to my resume. I don’t even have any closing dates for when to expect a rejection letter (I’m guessing if I am lucky I will get MAYBE one interview out of the 21 jobs applied for).
I’ve got a great resume, I’ve got contacts, I can write great cover letters, and I have most of the key skills for the career path I want. What am I doing wrong?
On the Amtrak from Boston to New York City
The white woman across the aisle from me says ‘Look,
look at all the history, that house
on the hill there is over two hundred years old, ‘
as she points out the window past me
into what she has been taught. I have learned
little more about American history during my few days
back East than what I expected and far less
of what we should all know of the tribal stories
whose architecture is 15,000 years older
than the corners of the house that sits
museumed on the hill. ‘Walden Pond, ‘
the woman on the train asks, ‘Did you see Walden Pond? ‘
and I don’t have a cruel enough heart to break
her own by telling her there are five Walden Ponds
on my little reservation out West
and at least a hundred more surrounding Spokane,
the city I pretended to call my home. ‘Listen, ‘
I could have told her. ‘I don’t give a shit
about Walden. I know the Indians were living stories
around that pond before Walden’s grandparents were born
and before his grandparents’ grandparents were born.
I’m tired of hearing about Don-fucking-Henley saving it, too,
because that’s redundant. If Don Henley’s brothers and sisters
and mothers and father hadn’t come here in the first place
then nothing would need to be saved.’
But I didn’t say a word to the woman about Walden
Pond because she smiled so much and seemed delighted
that I thought to bring her an orange juice
back from the food car. I respect elders
of every color. All I really did was eat
my tasteless sandwich, drink my Diet Pepsi
and nod my head whenever the woman pointed out
another little piece of her country’s history
while I, as all Indians have done
since this war began, made plans
for what I would do and say the next time
somebody from the enemy thought I was one of their own.
I’ve started to notice that a few of my followers on Tumblr post about drinking, or not drinking. Some seem to have a drinking problem, others teetotal, some are in between. I wonder sometimes whether to talk to any of them about drinking.
I am one of the in the middle people. I’ve been drunk.. it wasn’t pleasant. I find drunk people extremely annoying and don’t like going to bars usually unless it’s not crowded and I’m with friends. I get a bit agoraphobic actually. I come from a family where relatives of mine have battled alcoholism. My mother is an Adult Child Of An Alcoholic. I’ve also seen booze ruin the career aspirations of at least 2 people I cared about.
That being said, moderate drinking is perfectly fine IMHO, and I enjoy a good beer or wine or mixed drink every now and then. I probably drink a beer or two a week or 2 Glasses of wine in a sitting. Mixed drinks were something I drank more of in South Africa, where drinking socially and to excess was extremely common. I drank more then I would have wanted in South Africa, and I think that is one reason I have cut back to my normal levels here in America. Knowing my family history, it’s probably for the better.
I don’t want to piss off people who are Tumblr friends.. but I want to offer a word of caution: Do not let your defining feature be your relationship with Alcohol-It’s a dance that is often deadly, it will make you feel hollow, and it will not fix anything that is broken. Trying to fix things with a quick swig is like trying to apply a tattoo with a carving knife.. it’s messy, extremely pain-inducing, and it doesn’t work very well. Define yourself by what you do as a human being that brings light, value, and joy. Define yourself by things that aren’t toxic, tempting, glamorous, sedating..Allow yourself to feel, and enjoy without the aid of things outside of yourself, because those things were never really a part of the real you anyway.
Maybe.. I’ll have a post about drinking in general up tomorrow.. I hope you and others read it. For better or worse drinking is an emotionally charged thing at times for me.
A Cherokee elder was teaching his children about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to them. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandchildren thought about it and after a minute one of them asked, “Which wolf will win?”
The elder simply replied, “The one you feed.”” —Cherokee Legend